It's been almost a life time since I last wrote on my blog. About three weeks ago I found a blog that I really enjoyed reading so became a 'follower' - and Joan checked out my blog and sent me an email asking how I was now. A little moment of sunshine in my day. And that's what I'm trying to live on these days - lots of little moments of sunshine. I've finally come to understand that life is a collection of moments, some good, some bad, some funny, some sad, celebration times, grieving times. I've spent so much of my life focusing on the down side of life, and wishing for the perfect life.
Since that bad time in June, I have been to a clinical psychologist and made some progress. But it is spring, the sunshine has returned, which is always a time when I feel better. So although I am not seeing the psychologist again until mid-December, I am constantly working on myself. It hasn't been easy. As well as my own inner turmoil, my eldest son has been / is going through his own personal hell (he too is making progress, and is determined to turn his world around.) I've had some physical health problems, minor, but tiring and thus a typical time when I am likely to fall down. Two of my grandchildren have moved, with their mother, to Wellington, so I won't see them so often. The two sons and their partners who have been living at home are moving out, one couple in 10 days time, the other couple 'soon'. My design project for my permaculture course is to be presented on Saturday 20 November, the day before my youngest son moves to Auckland.
So, I have to work hard every day to remind myself of the good things in my life, not something that comes easy to me, although I have been an expert at cataloguing the miseries of life. I am determined to change my attitude - but DAMN! it is hard work focusing on the positive.
However I really feel that I am making progress. Some days, like today, are harder than others, and then it's so hard to overcome the sense of sadness that can so easily lead me down the path towards the black chasm. I have to constantly talk to myself, reminding myself of the good stuff: the warm cuddle with the cat; the sunshine lighting up the spring green leaves; the cup of tea and chat with a good friend; the smile from my youngest son who is still here at this point in time. Reminding myself to live in the present, not in the past, nor in the future, just in the here and now.
It is getting better!