Thursday, September 15, 2011

Before I'm 61

What do I want to do in this year between 60 and 61?

I really don't know.  And I wonder whether one should one have goals or is that just setting oneself up for failure.

I do want to finish my Apiculture course.But other than that, I don't know.

I do know that I want to continue getting mentally and emotionally stronger. Over the past fifteen months I have come to realise that I have set myself up for so much pain in my life up to now. I didn't believe that I deserved anything, and put others first - until the repressed feelings welled up beyond my ability to push them under.  Sometimes they exploded into anger (often at the wrong person, such as my beautiful children or my wonderful husband.)  Sometimes they overwhelmed me and pushed me down into the depths of depression; a dozen or so times, to the very edge of suicide. The only thing that stopped me was the awareness of how my deliberate death would affect these beloved people.

With professional help, I've learned to manage myself to a far greater degree than ever before. I've reached the point now that I realise the next step has to be excluding toxic situations and people from my life in a way that does not leave me feeling angry or worthless.

A while back I resigned from a committee as a consequence of realising I was not the sort of person the committee needed. I explained my reasons clearly, however the assumption was made that I had really resigned because one committee member had been incredibly rude to me. That person apologised abjectly, and suggested that I could rejoin the committee. I responded in a way I had never been able to before. I accepted his apology and went on to reiterate the real reason for my resignation. I felt so good! I didn't abuse him, nor did I belittle myself by down-playing the rudeness - I focused on the issue. I want to live that way more.

In the past year, also, I find I have reached the point where friends have started dying of age related diseases. I have lost a friend who misinterpreted something I said, and who chose not to accept my explanation.

I need to reassess my attitude to friendship. To accept that people move on with their lives, and no one has to keep pretending a friendship they no longer value.  I don't have to do it, and nor do they. They can walk away from me and I can walk away from them. They may die before me, or I may die before me.

In the end, the only person who can always be there for me, is me. I need to spend this next year learning to treat myself kindly and generously.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


It's a cold September wind.
The old tree creaks.
Hips creak in sympathy,
aching, stabbing.

I creak and am both
glad and sad
that I will not live
as long as the rimu.

Sunday, September 4, 2011


Spring is definitely here in Kauroa.
 Time for motorbikes and grandchildren.
 The bees are busy.
 They've survived the winter well - there has always been food available from tagasaste (tree lucerne), gorse and buttercups, but pollen varies in nutritive content from plant to plant, so they are glad to see new sources.
I love scything. It is useful: the entrance to the beehive needs to be clear for the bees to easily fly back in; and the trees grow better if they don't have long grass growing underneath competing with the tree roots.
 But scything is so much more than that. To do it successfully you have to move correctly and when you finally get it, it is like dancing and meditating all in one, but with a satisfyingly productive end point.
It's clean - no petrol fumes -  and peaceful - just a gentle swishing, over which the bees and birds are easily heard.It works muscles and stretches my body in ways that otherwise only happens when I occasionally do some yoga. I have never found a way of 'exercising' that I enjoy but I love this work.
 It's spring!