Finding Meaning

For most of my life I have thought about religion and spirituality in a somewhat wishful fashion. As I get older, less busy with material life, closer to death, and less 'useful' my wondering has become a bit more focused on purpose - what is the point of continuing to live? It's not that I'm particularly depressed: just sad and lacking in meaningfulness.

Recently I have been involved in a short online workshop, that has been quite enlightening for me, mostly because of the questions Lucy asks, rather than answers. One of the exercises involved thinking about my spiritual background and I was amazed at how much followed on from there. 

I'm going to write about my thoughts about spirituality here, as I ponder the questions, for as long as I find it useful. I'm not going to hide my posts, but neither am I going to link to them on Facebook or the like.

I grew up in an ordinary Presbyterian, taking God as a given but without much day-to-day godliness, just Sunday School and a bit of church kind of home. I had a brief 11yo born again stage, then....

Became a born again atheist at almost 17, after a Saul on the road to Damascus revelation in reverse, which was devastating and dumped me into suicidal depression, which has repeated many times over the decades.

This little course has given me more clarity than I have had in the 52 years since ! The questions Lucy asked, plus contributions from other workshop participants, have helped me make huge progress in sorting through my beliefs. Oh my! How obvious it all is when someone asks the needed questions!

Someone spoke of the ‘god-shaped hole’ that she felt was left when she left the church. This idea has been revolutionary! I knew what I believed but was always looking for something – some ONE thing – else that I assumed would take god’s place. This idea of the god-shaped hole, and thinking about what I DO believe (as opposed to what I don’t believe) has made me realise that it doesn’t have to be just one mighty thing: it can be lots of smaller things that can together fill that hole. In fact, a few weeks on, it occurred to me that if there is no god, there can be no hole that is god-shaped – if there is no hole, what is there? – there is ME and this wonderful universe! So what do I believe, as opposed to what I don't believe?

I believe in connection. As someone in the group said, “Everything is connected, connection is everything” I have finally realised that I don’t need to be connected to some huge, external, god or god substitute. I just have to be connected to myself and everything else – together we are all.

I believe the wonder of science is enough. There is still so much that is unknown, and that’s okay – I feel no need to make up a god or something to explain the unknown.

Deliberate awareness and appreciation of the world and science leads to greater understanding – mindfulness and gratitude don’t have to be surrounded by religious terms to be valuable.

My action and inaction in the world affects not only me, but all the world. And as a basis for action, I look, as I have done for decades, to permaculture, a system that grew out of scientific academia, whose ethics are:

·       Care of the earth – kaitiakitanga

·       Care of the people – whanaungatanga / manakitanga

·       Fair share – kotahitanga

I grew up believing I was the least in all ways. That, unless I got everything perfect, I would remain that way. That I was entitled to nothing. That unless what I did was valuable to others, I had no right to waste resources (paper for writing, art supplies, time, space....) I’m fighting that now, and I think I’m winning.

I grew up believing that I couldn’t participate in gatherings, rituals, ceremonies etc unless I believed in All The Things, another reason for the search for a single filler for the god-shaped hole. Now I realise that as long as I don’t denigrate the beliefs of others, I can still connect with them on some level without selling my (non-existent) soul.

I’ve been searching for meaning for five decades, and expect to continue the search until I’m dead, but I am finally feeling more comfortable in all my unknowns. Or maybe ‘comfortable’ is the wrong word, because I’m also excited. Is there a word for ‘crazy, exciting, comfortable adventure into the unknown’?