Day 3 of Eating Kumera, Day 1 of Eating Mushrooms.....

My granddaughter, Ti'ana posted on Facebook that she had had enough of everyone posting about Day whatever of lock down, and I thought - she's right! We all know that, why rabbit on about it? Every day is Day something of something!

Today we were awakened by my evil cat smashing my beautiful new butterdish, that had been left out overnight. She never jumps on the bench during the day, but at night she makes the space her own. It is amazing how far the pieces of a glass lid can go, but Simon and Mac cleaned it all up before I even made it out of bed.

I lost the plot today. Mac started talking about how one of us would have to go out sooner or later for food. I am struggling with the whole going out thoughts - I may 'only' be 68.5 yo - so not 'over 70' yet, but I have diabetes so am definitely in the high risk group. He said, 'but we don't have respiratory problems, and we aren't 70 yet.' He, like most people, has no idea what the problems are for diabetics - mostly because they aren't interested or don't want to know. So yeah, I lost it. We may not have everything we need for 12 weeks, as he would like, but we have sufficient to sustain us, albeit not in a very interesting way. I don't want my life put at risk for a loaf of bread!

Yesterday, Mac and Simon worked on replacing the pipe that takes water from the surge tank to the ram pump, doing the hard and dirty work, and today I helped - which meant carrying things, and holding things so Mac could hit things with the sledgehammer. I had plenty of time to go for a wander in the bush, which was so calming.

Our milk arrived by delivery service - so stress-reducing to not have to go out - I am very grateful for this service.

We did a food exchange with a neighbour - she put out mushrooms, we put out apples and kumera. Tonight for dinner we had mushrooms Day 1, and kumera Day 3. Mac and Simon also had homemade bread. I hope Ti'ana approves of the Day Naming!

today is not the same

today is not the same

i got up and dressed
(but i no longer bother with a bra)
and ate my usual breakfast
but today is not the same

i looked out over the bush
toward Mt Karioi
standing proud against
the blue blue sky
but today is not the same

i watch a flock of magpies
and a sulphur-crested cockatoo
screech and dive and feint,
retreat and return
acting out a WW1
dog fight (why do they call it that?)
but today is not the same

a car drives past
along Te Mata Road
and i call to mac
"look! a car!"
today is not the same

i spread the kumera
to dry on sheets in the sun
and prepare to store them
in layers of sawdust or newspaper
but lacking those,
old sewing pattern tissue
because today is not the same

Lock Down Day 3

Today started very early as I stayed up to try to put in a delivery order with Countdown. It took 35 minutes, as the site was overloaded.

This morning after the usual animal feeding and washing, Mac and I headed out to harvest the kumera. Harvesting food is so satisfying and calming.

But then I came in and realised I am still not sure if Countdown will deliver here - they haven't said 'no' so here's hoping....... So writing that sent me into a panic spin, which is absurd because we are not going to die of starvation! We have plenty of food in the pantry, eggs in the chickens, silverbeet in the garden, and we just dug enough kumera to last months. The extras just make eating more interesting. But this is where friends are so wonderful. I threw my panic at my friend, Amy, who calmed me down and asked her Countdown delivery truck driving friend and the answer settled me back down. First world, white middle class privilege even in a pandemic.

Hoping the flag will deter the quail

Such a joy to talk to my oldest son, Greg, who is working still, driving trucks delivering stock food - much as I wish our farms had stock rates that didn't require supplementary feed, I sure don't want animals dying of starvation! His wife, Maggie, is also an essential care worker. They are the people we need to protect as much as possible by remembering to #StayTheFuckHome

Another anxiety attack late afternoon when I heard that milk deliveries aren't allowed. I know Mac will want to go out and get milk and I really don't want any of us to go anywhere, and I haven't ordered any in my Countdown order..... That feeling where blood rushes through my body so fast and hot and I forget to take the next breath.....

And I know it's so stupid to get upset about milk, and that it's still a white privilege, middle-class, first world problem, but all the same.......

The evening is beautiful, a few wisps of cloud meandering through an apricot sky and a shining slither of moon, but below the silhouetted horizon all is black.

Lock Down Day 1 & 2

Like people all over the world, I am writing about this to try to get some of the thoughts, feeling, 'stuff' out of my head and body. For the sake of history, as I think these accounts may help people in the future. In the present, I need a place to express my raw feelings sometimes. I usually use writing to help me make sense of things, but this time I don't think there will ever be sense made. Covid19 is going to alter the world in so many ways: perhaps for the better in some ways if we - human civilization - learn from it, but the pain and fear and devastation and grief will be passed down for generations

Yesterday was Day 1 of Lock Down here in New Zealand. I am proud of our prime minister, especially compared to Trump, Morrison, and others, but even so I wish she had acted much sooner, especially to closing the border sooner, and putting everyone coming into the country into 2 weeks isolation. But what's done is done, and the only things to be done now are in the present.

I actually felt a bit better yesterday, when the Lock Down came into effect and ended most of the insane behaviour, stockpiling, fighting, frantic craziness. Yesterday was a peaceful day at home.

Mac and Simon worked away at their computers at their jobs, and Mac worked on my car which failed its WOF a few days before Lock Down - now it will have to wait for its WOF indefinitely.

The day before lock down, when discussing things we could do at home, Simon came up with the idea of clearing some paths through the bush, which have become very overgrown. So at 5 pm on Wednesday we made our way down to the glow worm pool, and then up to the top of the waterfall, which needs lots more work. On Thursday, Official Day 1, we worked our way along from the bottom of the driveway to the bridge.

On Day 1 I was almost relaxed, feeling that at last we had begun real action. I busied myself all day with organising food, milk deliveries, checking on the microgreens and sprouts I have started growing again, making bread, multitudes of little tasks: I felt purposeful.

I am trying to be creative, working on notebooks I started for a women's retreat to be held in April, now cancelled. Might as well finish them, though I don't know what I will use them for. I also started mending my warm, merino work-around-home trousers, not the usual way with my sewing machine, but rather, with slow stitch. I have had a project in mind for ages, but need to learn to stitch neatly first, so this is my way of practicing.

I think the most important part of my days is going to be checking in with people. Friends and family are suddenly even more important. Even though there are many of them that I don't see for way more than four weeks - some I haven't seen for years - the thought that I simply cannot get in a car or aeroplane and go see them fills me with a desperate need to be in contact with them all the time.

Day 2 has been different. I woke feeling flat and drained. I did little all morning except faff around on Facebook and Instagram and get more and more miserable. I caught up with a couple of people, and and made yogurt, but my mood was flat, flat, flat. After lunch Mac dragged me out to the shed where he rode his exercise bike, and I walked on my treadmill for a pathetic 20 minutes. Admittedly, that did make me feel a bit better. I read for a while. I did some more mending of trousers. I cooked dinner using food grown in my garden - silverbeet, chestnuts, capsicum and kumera.

I am finding myself very forgetful and distracted, not the way I was after my stroke, but in a way that is definitely anxiety. I worry almost constantly about my sons, their partners, and my grandchildren. I worry about my friends. I worry about Mac. And I worry about me as I know the worrying is pushing my blood pressure up. I need to stop frequently and practice mindful breathing as I often suddenly become aware that I have been failing to breathe in again to the point of dizziness. I also use Robin Youngson's Havening techniques which helps a lot with the anxiety.

The best bit of the day was Liz Constable's (Book Arts Studio) Friday night live video. Liz is a wonderful teacher / coach, and always makes me feel better about life.

At the end of this day my conclusion is that I really need to make long detailed lists for remembering what I need to do, and to help me feel better as I tick them off, and to include on the list exercise, art and craft, reading, contact with friends and finding good things, however small, to consider.

I came across the following list of daily quarantine questions from an article in Greater Good Magazine, copied them out, and will try to ask myself these each day.

• 1. What am I grateful for today?
• 2. Who am I checking in on, or connecting with, today?
• 3. What expectations of “normal” am I letting go of today?
• 4. How am I getting outside today?5. How am I moving my body today?
• 6. What beauty am I creating, cultivating, or inviting in today?