Books and Movies June 2018

I have gotten out of the habit of reviewing the books I read, which annoyed me the other day when I wanted to check back on one I had read but not recorded. So time to get back into that habit. I don't go to the movies much, but have been twice recently, and one was to a movie that was made from a /book I had read, so figured I'd talk about both.

I first heard about the book, The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society when I heard it was to be made into a movie. I promptly got the book from the library and thoroughly enjoyed it. I sometimes find straight history a bit hard to take on it's own, so have always enjoyed historical novels that show the history but ease the trauma with fictional characters. Although the story is partly a love story, there was a lot of development of a number of the characters. In addition, the story is also of the occupation of Guernsey by the Germans, and the way different people reacted to that occupation. I won't say it was an epic book, but I did enjoy it.

The book was the first book of Mary Ann Shaffer, who died before it was published. After falling ill, she asked her niece, Annie Barrows, to finish it for her.

The movie was beautiful, and worth it just for that beauty. However, it was a shadow of the book, and concentrated on the love story to the detriment of the other characters and story.

The other movie we went to was a documentary, a filmed conversation between four actresses. Tea With the Dames is not an exciting movie but I loved it. Dames Eileen Atkins, Judi Dench, Joan Plowright and Maggie Smith sit and reminisce about their lives on stage and screen, and life in general. Obviously it's all very different from my boring little life, and yet I felt so comfortable with the expression of their personalities it was as if I was there, and could pop in an occasional comment of my own any minute. Not really any need for the big screen experience though - sitting at home watching it on the smaller screen, with a cup of tea at hand would have been more comfortable, and possibly more appropriate.

The Two-Family House by Lynda Cohen Loigman is a book I borrowed from the library based on a quote I saw somewhere: "Some things we just have to accept, so we can save our strength for other problems." It doesn't seem that insightful now, but it hit home the day I read it, and so I decided to read the whole book. It is an intriguing look at family relationships. The characters vary from the attractive to the less so, but all are treated with respectful insight so that the reader reaches an understanding and empathy for everyone. I really enjoyed it.

Lost for Words

most people have played the game
asking, what would be worse -
to go blind or deaf?
my answers have varied
over the decades
and sometimes
i also think about smell
and touch and taste

but now i know
the worst loss for me
is not one of the
six senses
but something
i didn't realise
was even a thing -
that has no name

there are times
since the clot
wedged in my brain
killing off cells
when i cannot
comprehend words
spoken clearly
but incomprehensibly

there are times
when i feel the feels
but cannot say the words
nor even think the words
that describe the feels
when i feel my brain
crumple up like
newspaper under kindling

and my right leg kicks out
and my right arm suddenly
shoots out sideways
knocking my cup over
and i know i have to leave
but it's so hard to stand
but still easier done
than said.....


I was 'lucky' that my stroke was not a severe one, but I had a bad day on Saturday when I went to a friend's 70th birthday lunch at a cafe. Most people do not see anything very different about me these days, and some days I even feel completely 'normal' (as in, the way I did pre-stroke.) But on Saturday at the cafe, there were so many people talking, and kitchen noise, and piped music with a constant base thunk thunk thunk and the autistic kid opposite me was coping by stimming - god I wish I could get comfort from stimming - which involved kicking my chair leg fast and rhythmically but not the same rhythm as the music and suddenly I stopped being able to make sense of the words someone was saying and I couldn't find any words to tell them and my brain lost control of my hand and it shot sideways and knocked something over - fortunately not something that made a mess - and I had to flee - if my stumbling outside can be described as 'fleeing'! 

And this morning I am sitting here filled with anxiety as I wait to see if I will make it through until 5.15pm without having another stroke, to see if I can make it to 6 months. And feeling anxiety rising in my gut, and my old familiar (50 years) depression pressing in and just needing to say all this to someone, somewhere who won't just say, pull yourself together, get dressed and go feed the ducks and chooks and dog and get on with what life you have left..... 

So thank you if you read this far - all I really needed was to have the words and say them and know that someone really heard me.

ICAD 2018 - Week 1

Each week has a theme and prompts, but there is no pressure to follow these - they are offered as an option. The theme for week one was 'Inspired by typography, symbols, fonts, words, graffitti, found text, definitions, poetry, lists. The prompts I will show by the photos even when I have not followed the prompt. I am not doing well this week (SAD, thinking about the stroke and it's lingering effects, and a cold) and my efforts have been pretty halfhearted. Plus the first week prompts were all based around fairgrounds, mainly rides, of which I am far from fond! But I'm trying to keep going, even if it's something very simple and boring. Art every day for 61 days. No matter how simple, it will, hopefully establish a good habit.

The other thing I'm trying to do is to not feel so ashamed of the things I try that I rip them up and throw them away before anyone catches a glimpse of the mess. I'm trying to be proud of trying. It was never going to be easy for me with my history, and I am finding it even harder with the black dog snapping at my ankles. That said, the following are my first week's efforts.

1/61 rollercoaster

2/61 Not fireworks (instead, an attempt at drawing a gum leaf)

3/61 Not tilt-a-whirl (instead, my word of the year)

4/61 not a ferris wheel (instead, a word I have been thinking about - see my previous blog if you are interested)

5/61 queue or line. I've never liked or been good at queuing, and have been known to queue  for the wrong thing....

6/61 Not a carousel aka merry-go-round, but inspired by the concept of round / circles

7/61 haunted house. I was tired and unwell and the black dog was biting.

Tomorrow I WILL feel better.....

Significant

I've been thinking about birthdays and my wish to do something special for my birthday this year. I had birthday parties when I was a child, but only until I was 13. Then, no more parties until my 60th. I had another for my 21x3. But by the time I reached 65 I had developed Type 2 diabetes and the thought of a birthday party without party food or alcohol just didn't rock my boat.

Now I'm coming up to 67. Not a significant birthday. But actually it is significant to me. If I make it that far, it will mean I have survived 67 years on earth. I have survived depression, including 6 periods of suicidal depression. I have survived and controlled (so far) diabetes. I have survived a stroke. That's pretty significant, I reckon.

Why do we place significance on 18, 21, 30, 40, 50, 60, 65.....? I'm feeling that if I make it to 67 that will be pretty significant to me. Actually, next Monday feels pretty significant to me - 6 months since S-day. And to be honest, that death scare has me realising that every year, every day, every damn moment is significant!

And because my mind is a messy and slippery place, it has slid across the room to another culturally restrictive significant phrase.

my significant other
supposedly my husband
and yes,
he is significantly
significant
but does that mean
the other others
are insignificant?

my four sons?
their partners?
my grandchildren?
my sister?
my friends?
my dentist?
my doctor?
my cat and dog?
even my enemies?

i cannot bring myself
to use words like
'insignificant'
or
'less significant'
about those others

if you are in my life
you are
a significant other