Thursday, September 15, 2011

Before I'm 61

What do I want to do in this year between 60 and 61?

I really don't know.  And I wonder whether one should one have goals or is that just setting oneself up for failure.

I do want to finish my Apiculture course.But other than that, I don't know.

I do know that I want to continue getting mentally and emotionally stronger. Over the past fifteen months I have come to realise that I have set myself up for so much pain in my life up to now. I didn't believe that I deserved anything, and put others first - until the repressed feelings welled up beyond my ability to push them under.  Sometimes they exploded into anger (often at the wrong person, such as my beautiful children or my wonderful husband.)  Sometimes they overwhelmed me and pushed me down into the depths of depression; a dozen or so times, to the very edge of suicide. The only thing that stopped me was the awareness of how my deliberate death would affect these beloved people.

With professional help, I've learned to manage myself to a far greater degree than ever before. I've reached the point now that I realise the next step has to be excluding toxic situations and people from my life in a way that does not leave me feeling angry or worthless.

A while back I resigned from a committee as a consequence of realising I was not the sort of person the committee needed. I explained my reasons clearly, however the assumption was made that I had really resigned because one committee member had been incredibly rude to me. That person apologised abjectly, and suggested that I could rejoin the committee. I responded in a way I had never been able to before. I accepted his apology and went on to reiterate the real reason for my resignation. I felt so good! I didn't abuse him, nor did I belittle myself by down-playing the rudeness - I focused on the issue. I want to live that way more.

In the past year, also, I find I have reached the point where friends have started dying of age related diseases. I have lost a friend who misinterpreted something I said, and who chose not to accept my explanation.

I need to reassess my attitude to friendship. To accept that people move on with their lives, and no one has to keep pretending a friendship they no longer value.  I don't have to do it, and nor do they. They can walk away from me and I can walk away from them. They may die before me, or I may die before me.

In the end, the only person who can always be there for me, is me. I need to spend this next year learning to treat myself kindly and generously.

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