Lock Down Day 1 & 2

Like people all over the world, I am writing about this to try to get some of the thoughts, feeling, 'stuff' out of my head and body. For the sake of history, as I think these accounts may help people in the future. In the present, I need a place to express my raw feelings sometimes. I usually use writing to help me make sense of things, but this time I don't think there will ever be sense made. Covid19 is going to alter the world in so many ways: perhaps for the better in some ways if we - human civilization - learn from it, but the pain and fear and devastation and grief will be passed down for generations

Yesterday was Day 1 of Lock Down here in New Zealand. I am proud of our prime minister, especially compared to Trump, Morrison, and others, but even so I wish she had acted much sooner, especially to closing the border sooner, and putting everyone coming into the country into 2 weeks isolation. But what's done is done, and the only things to be done now are in the present.

I actually felt a bit better yesterday, when the Lock Down came into effect and ended most of the insane behaviour, stockpiling, fighting, frantic craziness. Yesterday was a peaceful day at home.

Mac and Simon worked away at their computers at their jobs, and Mac worked on my car which failed its WOF a few days before Lock Down - now it will have to wait for its WOF indefinitely.

The day before lock down, when discussing things we could do at home, Simon came up with the idea of clearing some paths through the bush, which have become very overgrown. So at 5 pm on Wednesday we made our way down to the glow worm pool, and then up to the top of the waterfall, which needs lots more work. On Thursday, Official Day 1, we worked our way along from the bottom of the driveway to the bridge.

On Day 1 I was almost relaxed, feeling that at last we had begun real action. I busied myself all day with organising food, milk deliveries, checking on the microgreens and sprouts I have started growing again, making bread, multitudes of little tasks: I felt purposeful.

I am trying to be creative, working on notebooks I started for a women's retreat to be held in April, now cancelled. Might as well finish them, though I don't know what I will use them for. I also started mending my warm, merino work-around-home trousers, not the usual way with my sewing machine, but rather, with slow stitch. I have had a project in mind for ages, but need to learn to stitch neatly first, so this is my way of practicing.

I think the most important part of my days is going to be checking in with people. Friends and family are suddenly even more important. Even though there are many of them that I don't see for way more than four weeks - some I haven't seen for years - the thought that I simply cannot get in a car or aeroplane and go see them fills me with a desperate need to be in contact with them all the time.

Day 2 has been different. I woke feeling flat and drained. I did little all morning except faff around on Facebook and Instagram and get more and more miserable. I caught up with a couple of people, and and made yogurt, but my mood was flat, flat, flat. After lunch Mac dragged me out to the shed where he rode his exercise bike, and I walked on my treadmill for a pathetic 20 minutes. Admittedly, that did make me feel a bit better. I read for a while. I did some more mending of trousers. I cooked dinner using food grown in my garden - silverbeet, chestnuts, capsicum and kumera.

I am finding myself very forgetful and distracted, not the way I was after my stroke, but in a way that is definitely anxiety. I worry almost constantly about my sons, their partners, and my grandchildren. I worry about my friends. I worry about Mac. And I worry about me as I know the worrying is pushing my blood pressure up. I need to stop frequently and practice mindful breathing as I often suddenly become aware that I have been failing to breathe in again to the point of dizziness. I also use Robin Youngson's Havening techniques which helps a lot with the anxiety.

The best bit of the day was Liz Constable's (Book Arts Studio) Friday night live video. Liz is a wonderful teacher / coach, and always makes me feel better about life.

At the end of this day my conclusion is that I really need to make long detailed lists for remembering what I need to do, and to help me feel better as I tick them off, and to include on the list exercise, art and craft, reading, contact with friends and finding good things, however small, to consider.

I came across the following list of daily quarantine questions from an article in Greater Good Magazine, copied them out, and will try to ask myself these each day.

• 1. What am I grateful for today?
• 2. Who am I checking in on, or connecting with, today?
• 3. What expectations of “normal” am I letting go of today?
• 4. How am I getting outside today?5. How am I moving my body today?
• 6. What beauty am I creating, cultivating, or inviting in today?