A Sweet Pea Kind of Day

Every day is the beginning of many new things, the end of some things, and the continuation of most. I am having to learn to stay, still, in this, my present, while also planning for the future as hoping and planning is a part of what makes us human. When I die, sooner maybe but hopefully later, what I have done now will be here for others to see.

My sister rang to chat this morning - I haven't talked to her for that long on the phone for..... for ever! Why not? Will we keep it up in the future? I hope so. There are those people, often family, that we take for granted because they'll always be there for us. I must make more time for those special people.

The other day when sorting out seeds to find a few things to sow in my vegetable garden, and work out what to order, I found a packet of sweet peas that had slipped unnoticed under the bottom flap of the cardboard box. It had an expiry date of 2014, but it needed to be disposed of, so I poked the seeds in around the bottoms of the bamboo. They probably won't grow, but maybe a few will, and imagine the joy when I, or others, look out the kitchen window and see them climbing up the bamboo! Or even the excitement of a bee, finding food in spring. The sowing is an act of hope and faith that the world will continue, with or without me. If the seeds grow, that will be wonderful. If they don't germinate, they will rot, break down and become part of the soil that nourishes the bamboo that my friend Peter gave me, the sunchokes that my friend Violet gave me, and the potatoes that grabbed life with both hands and ran wild here.

I put more seeds on to sprout, and watered the microgreens. I've grown both before, pretty casually, but now they seem like a much safer option than salad greens bought from a supermarket, so hopefully I'll turn it into a habit.

And they are so yummy:

Mac and I climbed the boundary fence (with permission from the farmer) and picked two buckets of  beautiful mushrooms today. I'm going to try dehydrating some to add to winter casseroles.

Mac made more bread today - for years, in the days before supermarket pizza bases, he made pizza bases, so kneading bread is not new to him.

It's funny, this pandemic, end of life as we knew it time, because in the moment, the exact moment, life is exactly right. I walked down to the mailbox (600 metres from the house) with a box of apples to leave for anyone who wanted some. The sun was warm on my back, the stream was gurgling away, birds singing, a pukeko feather was shining on the gravel, I collected a couple of pine cones and some harekeke stalks to add to the kindling pile. All was perfectly normal and wonderful in the moment.

I got a text from some neighbours along the road who I hardly know, and who have gone into lock down elsewhere, offering me the fruit and vegetables in the their garden, after I messaged them offering eggs and apples. People are being kind and generous in the midst of these troubles. I hope we can continue this way always.

I had ordered groceries from Countdown, but wasn't sure that we'd get them as we are out of zone by 3.5km. However, late afternoon they rang me and asked if I'd be willing to meet them at the corner of the road. It was quite an adventure, as I felt like I was meeting my drug dealer for a surreptitious boot to boot transaction! Well, gotta get some excitement somehow! More milk today as well. I never thought I'd say, "I'm just washing the milk in soap and hot water"!

I've got an appointment to have a haircut in a couple of weeks and my hair is feeling a bit scruffy already. Obviously I'm not going to be keeping that appointment, so I'll be wearing hats more often, and I've been googling ways to wear scarves that don't make me look like a member of Glorivale or such.

And each day I sit with a cup of tea (lemon verbena this time)

and consider these questions:

Day 3 of Eating Kumera, Day 1 of Eating Mushrooms.....

My granddaughter, Ti'ana posted on Facebook that she had had enough of everyone posting about Day whatever of lock down, and I thought - she's right! We all know that, why rabbit on about it? Every day is Day something of something!

Today we were awakened by my evil cat smashing my beautiful new butterdish, that had been left out overnight. She never jumps on the bench during the day, but at night she makes the space her own. It is amazing how far the pieces of a glass lid can go, but Simon and Mac cleaned it all up before I even made it out of bed.

I lost the plot today. Mac started talking about how one of us would have to go out sooner or later for food. I am struggling with the whole going out thoughts - I may 'only' be 68.5 yo - so not 'over 70' yet, but I have diabetes so am definitely in the high risk group. He said, 'but we don't have respiratory problems, and we aren't 70 yet.' He, like most people, has no idea what the problems are for diabetics - mostly because they aren't interested or don't want to know. So yeah, I lost it. We may not have everything we need for 12 weeks, as he would like, but we have sufficient to sustain us, albeit not in a very interesting way. I don't want my life put at risk for a loaf of bread!

Yesterday, Mac and Simon worked on replacing the pipe that takes water from the surge tank to the ram pump, doing the hard and dirty work, and today I helped - which meant carrying things, and holding things so Mac could hit things with the sledgehammer. I had plenty of time to go for a wander in the bush, which was so calming.

Our milk arrived by delivery service - so stress-reducing to not have to go out - I am very grateful for this service.

We did a food exchange with a neighbour - she put out mushrooms, we put out apples and kumera. Tonight for dinner we had mushrooms Day 1, and kumera Day 3. Mac and Simon also had homemade bread. I hope Ti'ana approves of the Day Naming!

today is not the same

today is not the same

i got up and dressed
(but i no longer bother with a bra)
and ate my usual breakfast
but today is not the same

i looked out over the bush
toward Mt Karioi
standing proud against
the blue blue sky
but today is not the same

i watch a flock of magpies
and a sulphur-crested cockatoo
screech and dive and feint,
retreat and return
acting out a WW1
dog fight (why do they call it that?)
but today is not the same

a car drives past
along Te Mata Road
and i call to mac
"look! a car!"
today is not the same

i spread the kumera
to dry on sheets in the sun
and prepare to store them
in layers of sawdust or newspaper
but lacking those,
old sewing pattern tissue
because today is not the same

Lock Down Day 3

Today started very early as I stayed up to try to put in a delivery order with Countdown. It took 35 minutes, as the site was overloaded.

This morning after the usual animal feeding and washing, Mac and I headed out to harvest the kumera. Harvesting food is so satisfying and calming.

But then I came in and realised I am still not sure if Countdown will deliver here - they haven't said 'no' so here's hoping....... So writing that sent me into a panic spin, which is absurd because we are not going to die of starvation! We have plenty of food in the pantry, eggs in the chickens, silverbeet in the garden, and we just dug enough kumera to last months. The extras just make eating more interesting. But this is where friends are so wonderful. I threw my panic at my friend, Amy, who calmed me down and asked her Countdown delivery truck driving friend and the answer settled me back down. First world, white middle class privilege even in a pandemic.

Hoping the flag will deter the quail

Such a joy to talk to my oldest son, Greg, who is working still, driving trucks delivering stock food - much as I wish our farms had stock rates that didn't require supplementary feed, I sure don't want animals dying of starvation! His wife, Maggie, is also an essential care worker. They are the people we need to protect as much as possible by remembering to #StayTheFuckHome

Another anxiety attack late afternoon when I heard that milk deliveries aren't allowed. I know Mac will want to go out and get milk and I really don't want any of us to go anywhere, and I haven't ordered any in my Countdown order..... That feeling where blood rushes through my body so fast and hot and I forget to take the next breath.....

And I know it's so stupid to get upset about milk, and that it's still a white privilege, middle-class, first world problem, but all the same.......

The evening is beautiful, a few wisps of cloud meandering through an apricot sky and a shining slither of moon, but below the silhouetted horizon all is black.

Lock Down Day 1 & 2

Like people all over the world, I am writing about this to try to get some of the thoughts, feeling, 'stuff' out of my head and body. For the sake of history, as I think these accounts may help people in the future. In the present, I need a place to express my raw feelings sometimes. I usually use writing to help me make sense of things, but this time I don't think there will ever be sense made. Covid19 is going to alter the world in so many ways: perhaps for the better in some ways if we - human civilization - learn from it, but the pain and fear and devastation and grief will be passed down for generations

Yesterday was Day 1 of Lock Down here in New Zealand. I am proud of our prime minister, especially compared to Trump, Morrison, and others, but even so I wish she had acted much sooner, especially to closing the border sooner, and putting everyone coming into the country into 2 weeks isolation. But what's done is done, and the only things to be done now are in the present.

I actually felt a bit better yesterday, when the Lock Down came into effect and ended most of the insane behaviour, stockpiling, fighting, frantic craziness. Yesterday was a peaceful day at home.

Mac and Simon worked away at their computers at their jobs, and Mac worked on my car which failed its WOF a few days before Lock Down - now it will have to wait for its WOF indefinitely.

The day before lock down, when discussing things we could do at home, Simon came up with the idea of clearing some paths through the bush, which have become very overgrown. So at 5 pm on Wednesday we made our way down to the glow worm pool, and then up to the top of the waterfall, which needs lots more work. On Thursday, Official Day 1, we worked our way along from the bottom of the driveway to the bridge.

On Day 1 I was almost relaxed, feeling that at last we had begun real action. I busied myself all day with organising food, milk deliveries, checking on the microgreens and sprouts I have started growing again, making bread, multitudes of little tasks: I felt purposeful.

I am trying to be creative, working on notebooks I started for a women's retreat to be held in April, now cancelled. Might as well finish them, though I don't know what I will use them for. I also started mending my warm, merino work-around-home trousers, not the usual way with my sewing machine, but rather, with slow stitch. I have had a project in mind for ages, but need to learn to stitch neatly first, so this is my way of practicing.

I think the most important part of my days is going to be checking in with people. Friends and family are suddenly even more important. Even though there are many of them that I don't see for way more than four weeks - some I haven't seen for years - the thought that I simply cannot get in a car or aeroplane and go see them fills me with a desperate need to be in contact with them all the time.

Day 2 has been different. I woke feeling flat and drained. I did little all morning except faff around on Facebook and Instagram and get more and more miserable. I caught up with a couple of people, and and made yogurt, but my mood was flat, flat, flat. After lunch Mac dragged me out to the shed where he rode his exercise bike, and I walked on my treadmill for a pathetic 20 minutes. Admittedly, that did make me feel a bit better. I read for a while. I did some more mending of trousers. I cooked dinner using food grown in my garden - silverbeet, chestnuts, capsicum and kumera.

I am finding myself very forgetful and distracted, not the way I was after my stroke, but in a way that is definitely anxiety. I worry almost constantly about my sons, their partners, and my grandchildren. I worry about my friends. I worry about Mac. And I worry about me as I know the worrying is pushing my blood pressure up. I need to stop frequently and practice mindful breathing as I often suddenly become aware that I have been failing to breathe in again to the point of dizziness. I also use Robin Youngson's Havening techniques which helps a lot with the anxiety.

The best bit of the day was Liz Constable's (Book Arts Studio) Friday night live video. Liz is a wonderful teacher / coach, and always makes me feel better about life.

At the end of this day my conclusion is that I really need to make long detailed lists for remembering what I need to do, and to help me feel better as I tick them off, and to include on the list exercise, art and craft, reading, contact with friends and finding good things, however small, to consider.

I came across the following list of daily quarantine questions from an article in Greater Good Magazine, copied them out, and will try to ask myself these each day.

• 1. What am I grateful for today?
• 2. Who am I checking in on, or connecting with, today?
• 3. What expectations of “normal” am I letting go of today?
• 4. How am I getting outside today?5. How am I moving my body today?
• 6. What beauty am I creating, cultivating, or inviting in today?

September Reading

The Dark Mirror: Book 1 The Bridei Chronicles
One of the reasons I like the fantasy genre is that although the main protagonists are usually young, there is always a respect towards the aged characters, a respect for their experience, wisdom, past trials - even in the case of the 'baddies', they are not usually simple baddies, but complex characters with complex pasts.

Divergent Part 1 of the Divergent series by Veronica Roth
Unable to relate much to my granddaughter's passion for Harry Potter, I was relieved to see her reading something else. I enjoyed the book, and intend to read the rest of the series, although unlike the book above, it is very youth oriented (it is designated 'young adult' fiction) and older characters are all very flawed characters, with the young obviously going to save the day. It is a post-apocalyptic story, and as such interests me: I enjoy seeing how others imagine the future and its possibilities.

ooops - never finished this one, but adding it now anyway

February Reading

Not-Fiction
Brain on Fire: My Month of Madness by Susannah Cahalan

At 24 Cahalana descends into a state of psychosis. After a nightmare month, a rare auto immune disease is finally diagnosed, treatment started and her very gradual return to health commences. "Cahalan takes readers inside this newly-discovered disease through the progress of her own harrowing journey, asking what happens when your identity is suddenly destroyed, and how you get it back."

A very well-written account - Cahalan is a journalist - that raises so many questions about reality, about mental illness, about identity, and more. Highly recommended.

Fiction Binge
Marks out of 5 - no comments unless exceptional in one direction or other.
Panic Button by Kylie Logan - 2/5
Adult Onset by Anne-Marie MacDonald - 3/5
The Trivia Man by Deborah O'Brien - 3/5
A Distant View of Everything by Alexander McCall Smith - 4/5
The Emperor's Soul by Brandon Sanderson - 4/5 (It's great having sons who like similar books to you, and also know where their taste diverges from mine - when they recommend a book to me, I enjoy it 99 times out of 100. Off to read more of this author.)