There's so much talk about self-care, and walking away from toxic people, and how to remember that when someone criticizes you it's really about them not you, and so on and on.
Sometimes these things are true and right, but, actually, sometimes they are not. If I say something that is untrue and hurtful, and then take offence when someone else calls me out on it, then it isn't them who is being toxic, it's me!
Everybody has a past. Everybody gets triggered by things that don't affect everybody else. If someone tells me they were hurt by what I said, it is not okay for me to attack them for telling me on the grounds that I have a past that leaves me vulnerable to criticism. I need to consider their vulnerability too.
Of course, we have all lashed out defensively on occasion, but upon reflection, upon realizing I was in the wrong, it is incumbent on me to apologize and to try to make things right. Not to just re-write the story in my mind, reinforcing the idea that I am the victim, and the other is the bad guy.
And vice versa.
I can forgive most things in a relationship, but not that. You can criticize my behaviour, my words, my actions, and I will consider your criticism and act on my consideration, one way or another. But I expect the same from you. When I tell you that you have hurt me with your unkind or untrue words, and you turn it on me, I will distance myself. I will allow time for you to reflect, but if you continue to blame me, or cannot bring yourself to apologize, then I will walk away, because that behaviour is toxic to me, and I can no longer trust you.
Just saying.
