Fear and Hope

Should I live

in fear of death

or

in hope of life?

Yet fear and hope

drive each other,

and life and death

are a continuum.

In the moment

it's probably best

just to BE.

At The Edge

stand at the edge

supported by firm sand

watch the foam

feel the cool

lapping at toes

be still

just be

let it be

slowly the sand moves

starts to wiggle free

from toes and heels

know that the time

for stillness

is past

know it is time

to chose

rigid, false control

followed by

an inevitable fall

or to release the grip

let go, let loose,

and dance

with the sand

and sparkling spray

Book Camp 2018 - The Process

Another of the questions we were asked in the lead up to Book Camp was:

Do you have a goal/challenge you’d like achieve while at book camp? (It’s OK if
you want to cut loose and just go with the flow!) To create without anxiety.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And, although I had anxiety around driving in Auckland, what if I have another stroke while on the motorway, what have I forgotten to bring, what if I get sick yet again, what if I die.... and although I had some frustrations and difficulties arise during the creative process..... I actually found I did not suffer debilitating anxiety when creating as I usually do, especially in the presence of others.


On the first morning of Book Camp, Liz gave us a package of goodies, which included a little pad of Post-It notes. She asked us to use these to keep track of our process during the week. She told us to stick them on the wall as we went along, but I knew that I would forget to do it unless it was right in front of me, so I stuck them on to a piece of sheet music that I happened to have in my bag, not because I am a musician but because it is delicious paper.

Our instructions were deliberately vague to the point of being suggestions: we were to do something with a large old book, bottles, calico, paper, collected words, plus or minus anything....

Thoughts were to be noted on the Post-It notes as they occurred. I found this as silly as the proposal that we 'listen to the book and it will tell you what it wants' and 'the book will emerge' as Liz always rabbits on about.

Except the notes really helped, and my book really did speak to me and emerge! It's the first time this has happened to me, and I put it down to the fact that post-stroke I have an excuse to let go of the tyranny of the absurd expectation that perfection is both possible and required.

So here is some of my process as recorded on my Post-It notes:

• Arrrgh! Too many thoughts and ideas... 
• Calico book - 'renovate' the one I started at home...
• Altered (medical) book - collage - magic potions - cures
• find the rat in the wall (we heard a noise which was suggested to be that, though was actually just a branch in the wind) - rat behind a flap in book.... 
• old marbled book end-paper to line holes cut in book to house bottles...
• what can I do wit all the bits of paper cut from the book? (I threw them out at the end - couldn't come up with an idea._
• rust paper for cover of miniature book 'Instructions for a Cure-All' with the pages made from a Romanian encyclopedia...
• words - losing words - swallowing rats - Violet....
• type out poems about losing words

• gluing together pages individually - gesso no, pva too slow, glue stick too slow, pva edges - partially worked, make holes and tie pages together yay!
• gesso edges
• 'lost for words' - 'falling' - 'calling for help'....
• larger bottle - message in bottle - 'the stopper has been lost, the bottle knocked over, and my spirit has spilled out across the universe'
• stamp designs
• note from talk: thinking positively v negatively - challenge v struggle
• note from talk: starting day right with a walk, meditation, to still the mind, to open mind
• note from talk: Hilary's joyful approach, 'glorious'
• can I develop something of that or is one born with it? Can I discover? rediscover? retain? that childhood enthusiasm?
• half way through I have found that I can start something without any intention other than the intention to start and not be bothered by thoughts that it may come to nothing
• doing / being - standing in the edge of the waves doing nothing 
• it's ok to say 'I love what I've made, this is gorgeous' - after all, why bother doing it if it's not something you like?
• 'Emerging' my medical book is telling me it wants to be about my stroke, about my aphasia...
• gesso index, all except my ailments

• 'bee hopeful' - tape in bottle
• collage cover

• paint gold on edges of book
• wipe gold stamp pad on edges of book
• next project? too tired - do something familiar
• gelli prints..... on calico.... round gelli plate
• stitch on gelli printed calico
• make prayer-type flags from them?
• hang them from ladder in The Messy Playroom?
• Maybe it's time to put my art - yes 'art' - in a living area, a more 'public' space - never done that before....
• BUT WAIT..... there's not much room .... because there are already a bunch of my art on all the walls....
• ....I have just never seen them as art.....
• but my womad flags ARE art!
• I am a writer. I am a poet. I am an artist. I am okay.

Thank you, Liz Constable or Book Art Studios.

Book Camp 2018 - The People

In the lead up to Book Camp, Camp Leader, Liz Constable  asked us some questions to give us a hint or two about each other. Here's one of the questions, along with my answer:

What are you most excited about? Just being in that wonderful space again: free of responsibilities, going for walks in the amazing grounds, visiting The Fabulist, creating in the company of All The Best People.

It was indeed All These Things! The people especially were wonderful. Some had been to the previous camp, others were new to it.

Liz is an amazing teacher and guide. She will teach a particular skill where needed, but more importantly, she guides, challenges, encourages, laughs, listens, validates - she claims to have previously been a life coach, but in reality 'previously' is a misnomer. She is inspiring both as an artist and as a person.

Camp Mother, Cath, was fantastic. She looked after the nuts and bolts of camp, fetched coffee from the local cafe, made life easier in general, and still managed to create some amazing art.

Jo, Liz's sister is also an amazing creative, fun, generous, professional artist and graphic designer operating as The Design Space Gallery in Lower Hutt - though I was encouraging her to move to Raglan....

Michelle was an wonderful last minute addition to Camp, and a wonderful human being. Just go look at what she does - WOW!

Sara had had strokes as well as other health issues. She had an inspiring determination to get everything she could from Camp, despite having to withdraw from the sensory overload even more than I did. It was wonderful to meet someone who really 'got' my issues, even while I wished, for her sake, that she didn't. I learned so much about post-stroke life from her, and about persistence.

Delwyn, well, she'd be welcome just for the divine red roses she brought for the dining tables! But she was so much more. She sat on my left, between Sara and me, and was very quiet which was great for us, but was quietly humorous, kind, and creative - her wrapping paper made with her hand carved stamp was very special.

Oh! I haven't mentioned Sandra Waine who came in one afternoon, and taught us a bit about stamp carving! Check her out! Personally, I feel a stamp-carving binge coming on.

On my other side was Sarah, another quiet, but creative first timer. She had a distinctive artistic style and I spent a lot of time peeking across at her beautiful work.

Fliss is just so energetic, she just gets stuck in and goes! But her energy is catching, not wearying.

Ann was at the far end of the table, just quietly  and determinedly working away at beautifully finished creations, right to the very end of camp - she did not waste a minute!

Liz, as always, worked with delicious eco prints, nature themes, leaves etc. - I love her work.

Hilary. Hilary, as Camp Leader Liz pointed out, brought the light of joy into the workshop. Her work is beautifully executed, and imaginative, but most importantly, just joyful. Every room should have a Hilary in it.

Sue is more a fabric, button and stitch person than a paper artist. Where Hilary brings joy, Sue brings passion. I just love listening to her speak about her love for her work. Which is so amazing to me, as someone who has never been a stitcher, it leaves me gasping in wonder.

Directly across the table from me was Gill who despite being stung on the head by a wasp, kept her lovely sense of humour and created with some beautiful decorated wallpaper she had created before she came, and did amazing things with copper wire, inspiring me to dig out the stash that I've been meaning to do something with for years.

Apparently Carol intended her creations to be magenta, but instead they turned into pink treasures that I loved, despite my normal dislike of pink - she may have 'turned' me!

Sara spoke at one point of 'finding her tribe'. I don't really think of myself in terms of belonging to a tribe, but when I am at Book Camp I certainly feel a deep sense of being Home. Thank you, Liz, for creating this space.

I'll be back!